Game Of Thrones: Mother's Mercy

A lot of GOT finale's have been more sedate affairs. If episode 9 is the climax, then ten simply picks up the pieces and puts them in place for the following season. It's not a bad format, and allows audiences closure before waving goodbye to the show for another year. Then you have 'Mothers Mercy' where sh*t hits the fan: about a million characters died, Cersei went through an incredibly arduous journey, there were cliffhangers were abound then to seal the deal they ended on one of the show's most shocking scenes yet, which is quite a feat. For people who thought that episode 9 was lackluster it seems they saved the best stuff for last. Here are my untethered thoughts: 

- Wow, I don't think we've seen a character fall so low so fast. 'The Dance Of Dragons' was a difficult watch, we went from cheering Stannis on as an underdog to suddenly wanting to mount his head on a pike. Stannis' eight minutes of time in the finale turned the tables again, suddenly I pitied him. Only a show like this can make you feel for a leader who burned his daughter alive, and that's partly because of Stephane Dillane's incredible way of conveying a broken shell of a man who is walking to his dearg. Stannis' arc turned out to be tragic in many ways, he ended up losing so much in such a short span of time this episode it was almost comical: the moment crazy Mel realized that Stannis was doomed, and the overhead shot of the Bolton's vastly superior army in comparison to Stannis' was priceless. There was clearly no way Stannis could have won this battle even if Shireen wasn't burned alive, which makes his courageous side step to the Wall in season 4's finale his undoing. It's ironic, because Stannis giving a sh*t about what's going on at the Wall and the White Walkers made me like him in the first place. Season 5 then made us buy into his relationship with his daughter, and we know how that turned out. While I was secretly hoping for a one on one fight between Stannis and Ramsay it felt right to have Brienne finish him off, even if it felt predictable after her none too subtle hint earlier in the season. Overall I'm sad it ended this way, I was really rooting for Stannis to pull through and he possessed many great qualities as a leader. Credit to GOT, they handled his fall from grace well and gave us a fitting (but tragic) end to his character. 

- What the hell happened to Brienne, Littlefinger, Tommen and the Tyrells this season? Varys I can understand but it seemed odd to front load the first half of the season with these characters (making them seem important) only to never see them again or barely have them feature in the second half. Brienne had a brief cameo to finish off Stannis sure, which was fitting, but she spent most of the season waiting for something interesting to happen. The Tyrells were a non entity in the last three episodes, I'm assuming they're still locked up plotting revenge. Littlefinger was the most egregious absence out of all of them, it seemed like he was potting something with Olenna AND was planning on attacking Winterfell with his army from the Vale. This could still happen in season 6, but it felt odd for all his plotting to be left hanging for another year.

He's having a bad day.

- Sansa's arc was one of the storyline's that didn't meet the mark in season 5. We were promised dark revenge fueled Sansa, and instead we got a return to snivelling, defensless Sansa. Just what is it going to take for her to grow up? I get that Ramsay is an evil bastard but she should have done something this season that redeemed her. But nope, all that screentime with her and Bolton's has had little impact on any character development. I desperately want to root for Sansa and I get that she's been in the company of the worst people in Westeros but for gods sake have her do something that's proactive rather than reactive. She doesn't really do anything, as she's constantly in victim mode. The initiative in the finale is actually given to Theon, who finally decided that enough was enough and ended Ramsay's psycho girlfriend....and then seemingly committed suicide with Sansa by falling from the same height as the fall that KILLED Ramsay's girlfriend hoping to escape. I know there was a good covering of snow on the ground but if they make it out of that jump unscathed I call bullsh*t, at least break one of their legs because that's one hell of a hard sell. 

- Tyrion's plot this season has been very good, there's just no beating Peter Dinklage's seemingly endless supply of charisma. Every season he gets the best material, and it's clear why. When you think about it his arc in season 5 has been incredibly compact, Tyrion started season 5 in a crate covered in his own sh*t and finished it ruling the biggest city in Essos. That's quite a jump, even if statistically he was rewarded the most time this season. Overall I'd say this was the only happy ending of the season, with Varys returning at the end being the cherry on top. Varys and Tyrion ruling Mereen together? F*CK YES, GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!! 

- Also yay, Jorah isn't dead yet! I was so sure this season was going to be his last but I'll be damned the old bear has still got life in him yet. He's still got greyscale though, so he has to die at some point. And he also got what he wanted, Dany taking his hand at the end of Ep 9 seemed to indicate that Dany x Jorah could still be a thing. More fun times are ahead, his pairing with Daario has a lot of potential for a new bromance. This is GOT however, Jorah will probably end up killing Daario so he's the only one left to woo her. *SIGH*, I hate second guessing this show sometimes.

I think we can all see where this is going...

- The scene between Jaime and Mrycella in the boat was another scene that I found unintentionally hilarious because it was clear right from the start what was going to happen. Letting the woman who wanted to kill her ANYWHERE near her let alone engaging in any form of physical contact was severely dumb, especially seen as poison is this family's M.O. I feel sad for Jaime though, Cersei is not going to be happy when she finds out.

- Now that the season has fully wrapped I think we can all safely say that the Dorne thread was a complete and utter f*ck-up. Easily the worst the show has ever been, everything about it seemed off from the start. The scale and stakes were oddly absent, we never got a good impression of the culture/place, the Sandsnakes were a bunch of generic power puff girls, it squandered the potential in a Jaime/Bronn pairing after two episodes and now that Mrycella is dead what was the point of reintroducing her character again? I suspect the writers just wanted to set up a conflict for season 6 and give something for Jaime to do while Cersei f*cked everything up in Kings Landing. The only good thing that came out of this plot alive was Alexander Siddig's Doran, who seems like a genuinely nice guy and smart ruler to boot. Despite the mishandling of Dorne I hope we see a LOT more of it in season 6, mainly so this plot won't seem like a complete and utter waste. There is potential in a conflict with Dorne, but what little we have seen so far is not encouraging. In a show as well crafted as Game Of Thrones, you have to wonder why they dropped the ball with this one.

- Appreciating that episode 9 was the climax of Dany's arc this segment was mostly teasing us for next year. The return of the Dothraki was unexpected and made me feel weirdly nostalgic for the first season of the show (so much has happened since then you kinda forget they are still a thing). What will be interesting is how she manages to get them under her rule again, as killing her off via Dothraki would be a bit anticlimatic at this point. I suspect finding out she has a massive f*cking Dragon nearby will be more than enough to sway them. In season 1 the original plan was to use the Dothraki as an army to sail across the sea and conquer Westeros, I suspect that's exactly what will end up happening. Surely now we are going to see her on the offensive, with the plan being roughly seven seasons we should start to see her make her move towards Westeros next season. Plus with Tyrion in charge any conflict in Meereen should soon be resolved.

Arya is blind now? Sure, whatever.

- Poor Arya, her storyline this season has just been so slow. You can summarize her entire arc this year with one sentence: she goes to the house of black and white, mops the floors for a few episodes and then kills off one of the people on her list. I know this happens in the books, but why does she suddenly lose her sight? It's not really explained but I gather it's some sort of punishment for failing to let go of her identity. Arya is going to be blind next season? Hmm, okay. The big problem the show is having with these Arya segments is justifying why they should exist. So far none of her stuff is tying back into any of the main storylines, so why are we watching this stubborn girl trying to become an assassin? Previous seasons have got away with this by making all of Arya's scenes with the Hound compelling, a team-up so great you forgot it literally had nothing to do with the main story whatsoever. Now she's on her own and confronted with a mysterious assassin organisation that we don't know a lot about. That's fine and all, but you could at least give it some agency. As satisfying as her kill was (holy crap Trant got what was coming to him!) this was an event that should have happened mid-season and propelled her storyline forward a bit more. Arya is one of the show's best characters, it's a shame they gave her nothing interesting to do this year.

- The writers postponed Bran's storyline this season to skip 'the boring training stuff' with the intention supposedly being that by the time we return to him in season 6 he'll already be a seasoned badass skilled in the art of taking over peoples minds and seeing through trees. If that's true then why didn't they do the same to Arya? Assumingly she's going to come into play later as an assassin so why not skip to that part? Season 5 despite it's apparent slowness is still bursting at the seams with several different plotlines, cutting Arya out entirely and giving the time to someone else is much more preferable in my opinion. 

- Cersei had the best scene of the episode (yes, it was better than Jon's denouement), her naked walk of shame perfectly captured that feeling of helplessness and made you, once again, feel for a character you despise. This is all down to Lena's Heady's award worthy performance, you felt every bloody step she took. For a finale packed with events I appreciated that they took the time to really nail this scene, watching the slow degradation as she goes from being humiliated to full on breaking down was just amazing. Better still I'm pretty excited for next season because there's no way in hell Cersei will let the Faith Militant get out of this one unscathed. I can't wait to see her put Frankenmountain to use and tear some sh*t up. Beware Jonathan Pryce, Cersei is coming for you.

Even Jon seems shocked! To be fair, we should have seen this one coming.

- The show obviously saved it's most shocking scene for last, and in true GOT fashion they hit us hard. I loved the trolling at the start by showing Benjen Stark in the recap, even if you knew something was up the moment Jon was given the final scene of the finale. But instead of showing us a White Walker army outside of the Wall or the LONG awaited returned of Benjen they just straight up killed one of their top 3 principal characters (I consider them to be Tyrion, Dany and Jon). I love how hard they rammed it home, they made sure he was stabbed several times just so it dawns on us viewers how dead Jon is. But yes, Jon probably isn't dead dead, we have to see more of him at somepoint. There is far too much unfinished business for it to not make sense narratively, although even the mere thought that Jon might not be coming back next season is enough to fill our souls with anguish. On any other TV show we would all be expecting him to come back, but on Game Of Thrones? It could honestly go either way. The showrunners have definitely set up several outs though: we know people in bed with the Lord of Light can bring others back from the dead, and what do you know crazy Mel is hanging out at the Wall after dumping Stannis and is very interested in Jon. Why did she go back to the Wall anyway? Hmmm...other theories such as Jon warging into Ghost or being resurrected as a White Walker are less likely but could still happen, what interests me more is how will this affect Jon's character when he does come back. His death must serve a purpose other than shock value, and what's next for the Night's Watch is what I'm interested in finding out.

Season 5 of Game Of Thrones wasn't a perfect season. A lot of the plots were slow going, Dorne sh*t the bed and Sansa went nowhere, but the last three episodes made up for this by packing in enough blockbuster style events and crazy character twists to make you feel satisfied and more importantly, excited for season 6. 'Mother's Mercy' was one crazy episode, I have no idea how they managed to pack so much into an hour and make it work. It fully redeemed the rest of the reason, and along with 'Hardhome' and 'The Dance Of Dragons' you can't deny this season went out in style. GOT Ranking: 9,5/10

Game Of Thrones: The Dance Of Dragons

Following one the best episodes of the show ever, 'The Dance Of Dragons' tries it's best to live up to previous episode 9's by giving us another massive set-piece in the second half but unfortunately the Dorne and Arya plotlines drag it down a bit.

- Arya's plotline really is going nowhere isn't it? We don't need a segment setting up Meryn Trant as a bad guy, he's clearly been one since season 1. Wow, he's a pedophile? Pure shock value, although it does provide Arya with a means to get close to him (EWWWWW!). I'm fine with her killing Trant but couldn't they have done it in the same episode? Do we really need to stretch this out for another week, he's only a minor henchman to Cersei! Plot delay aside it was fun seeing Mark Gatiss' banker being bored to death by Mace Tyrell, we need more humour in this show!

- We had an incredibly short scene with Jon this week. Basically Alliser Thorne let Jon and the Wildings in (not to mention Wun Wun!) but not before remarking that Jon's heart will get them all killed. He's not wrong, this is Game Of Thrones after all. Foreshadowing? 

- The Dorne segment was actually quite tolerable in this episode in comparison to episode 6 *SHUDDERS*, but the complete and utter lack of stakes (literally EVERYTHING gets worked out in the end and Jaime gets everything he wants) deflates any interest we have. Doran is such a nice guy, he's pretty much the only character on the show to preach peace! Normally with Game Of Thrones we would expect this scene to be immediately followed with Jaime being brutally stabbed by Ellaria Sand after she repents, but no, in fact she seems most agreeable towards Jaime. If anything big were to happen in Dorne I'm sure they would have done it in this episode. Still, something has to happen over there next week...right? Otherwise what was the point of this sub-par diversion? 

- I've finally cracked why the Dorne scenes feel so out of place with the rest of the show: it feels like a TV show. Yeah, you heard me right, on any other TV show the odd dodgy scene like the ones set in Dorne would pass but in GOT? This show never feels like a TV show, the writing, dialogue and acting has always been sky high above anything else TV can produce. So when we get a scene set in a claustrophobic, budget friendly space with sketchy, ill defined characters it jarrs with the rest of the aesthetic. 

Happy family.

- The big controversy of this episode is centered around Stannis doing a complete 180 from what we've seen so far this season and instantly becoming a bad guy by brutally murdering his daughter Shireen. EVERYONE saw this coming, we just didn't expect Stannis to be the one doing it. I am conflicted about this: on the one hand Stannis has been burning people for Melisandre since we first saw him (his first scene was him burning heretics), a fact I had conveniently forgot about until now. Then he has also been shown to be incredibly stubborn and once he's made up his mind there's no going back, and witch a lack of options what is a man going to do? BUT the show has gone on record several times by saying that he truly loves his daughter and wouldn't do anything to harm her, AND set up that he's becoming increasingly wary of crazy Mels magic. Despite the constant foreshadowing I still have trouble believing he would make a decision so quickly and in the same episode, it doesn't gel with me. Couple that with the fact that we have grown to love Shireen and in some respects root for Stannis (I have been heavily pro-Stannis all season) this was a HORRIFYING scene to watch, probably one of the show's worst since the infamous Red Wedding. It proved this show has no boundaries, no barrier is not yet crossed. So yes, the most popular show in television really did just make a fan favourite burn his daughter alive. That was a tough watch!

- Make no mistake both Stannis and Shireen died in this episode, there is nothing left of Stannis now but a hollowed out husk of a man who has been fed lies about being the chosen one. No matter who wins in the Battle of Winterfell (which better be in episode 10) we all lose, both sides deserve what's coming to them as far as I'm concerned, let's just make sure Brienne rescues Sansa before the swords start clashing. Reek, Stannis, Bolton's F*CK EM! 

- Forget the Dragon, the most unbelievable thing this episode was Selyse (Stannis' wife) trying to rescue Shireen from the burning pyre. Three season's and she's expressed nothing but hatred for Shireen, to have a change of heart so suddenly...nope not buying it. 

- Thank god poor uncle Davos was sent away! Stannis knew if anyone was to get in his way (or convince him otherwise) it would be him, so he coldly made sure Davos wouldn't be present. His last scene with Shireen was painful to watch and they shared a very close bond in season 3, and judging from Dovos' noncommittal reply 'Because you deserve it' indicates he knew that something bad was about to happen. Question is once he returns from the Wall what will he do when he finds out Shireen has been murdered? He would make a great advisor for Jon but I can also see him running a blade through Stannis' withered heart. Or vice versa. Personally I would have Davos try and rescue Shireen before being caught and executed beside her. You know, just to increase the tragedy. 

Group shot! 

- So the big event this week was indeed all about Danaerys and the Harpies invading Daznak's Pit. If this episode came BEFORE last week this would be one the show's most stunning sequences but as it stands this fantastic scene feels a little tame in comparison to the massive onslaught the White Walkers enacted upon the world in Hardhome. The biggest shock? No one died! For an episode so drenched in cruelty this was the perfect antidote we needed to match Shireen's horrible death and Meryn's pedophilic ways. The good guys actually managed to come out of this one unscathed! YAY!!! Well, as long as your not counting poor Hizdar. 

- Who wants to see a 1h recut episode that included the battle of Hardhome to the mix, basically move Stannis' stuff to last week and have both fights in one show? Now THAT would be one hell of a ninth episode! 

- Even if Drogon didn't show up this would still be an impressive sequence. Jorah's pre-terrorist attack fight in the pit was well done with him suitably getting his ass handed to him and barely making it out of each skirmish alive (his armor helped him a lot, nice touch). Once again the scale of the show is incredible, god knows how much the CGI cost to create that massive stadium. The banter between Hizdar, Tyrion and Daario was also pretty good, there's clearly some sort of philosophical competition going on between the three of them. Shame we didn't see more of this really. 

- Of course the Sons of the Harpy attack, creepily appearing put of nowhere and stabbing pretty much anyone near them. Who is organizing all these attacks? We should be pointing fingers at Hizdar, put the poor bloke got stabbed. There also seems to be a lot of these faceless terrorists, how they managed to sneak all those golden masks into the stadium is a bit of a mystery. Security anyone?! Anyway after a lot of stabbing Dany and co are herded into the middle of the stadium to presumably be massacred like cattle when this happens.....

Drogon to the rescue!

- You could argue it's a bit of a Deus Ex Machina but it's been well earned by this point. Sure enough Drogon proceeds to burn and tear up all of the bad guys (or conveniently placed groups of four in this case) to pieces in another awesome display of spectacle. Remember, we're watching a TV show! Dragon's aren't invulnerable however, it seems that any ordinary spear can pierce Drogon's hide which is a bit worrying, since those White Walkers from an episode back defintely had very pointy spears on hand. Dany of course sees this and then GETS ON HIS BACK AND FLIES AWAY. God it feels so good to finally type that. This is a big moment for the show, it's one thing to have the Dragons appear every now and again but if you're not going to use them in any meaningful way what's the point of having them? While I don't think we'll be seeing them every episode now that Dany can officially fly on Drogon I think this changes the game in Meereen somewhat. She's been afraid to use her Dragons in the past, surely now she'll untie the other two in the basement and get to work on burning the sunofabitch behind this? 

- These last few episodes have really delivered on the fantasy element of the show, I'm glad that they've really put a focus on the two main opposing forces (Ice & Fire) as the show nears the last phase of its narrative. Because let's face it, the final conflict is inevitably going to be zombies vs dragons, everything else is set dressing at this point. Also yes I guess Dany did just abandon her friends in the midst of an all out terrorist attack! But the way they shot it implied she did it stop Drogon from being killed rather than save her own skin. Still she could have still come back to roast some more harpies while her friends escaped! Judging from the next time trailer everyone seems to be okay though, so no harm no foul? 

Another week and another explosive edition of Game Of Thrones. While the constant dread and disgust onset by Stannis' actions were weirdly muffled by the somewhat happy and uplifting ending of Dany riding Drogon into the sunset (you end up feeling both depressed and exhilarated at the same time) this was still really good. It obviously can't compare to previous seasons but if you combine 'Hardhome' with 'The Dance Of Dragons' then you've got an amazing climax to this season. AND ITS NOT OVER YET! One more to go, my only worry is that they've got a LOT left to wrap up. GOT Ranking: 9/10. 

Game Of Thrones: Hardhome

'Hardhome' feels like the first episode of the season where sh*t starts hitting the fan in a big way, and it's also one of the best Game Of Thrones episodes ever because a) Tyrion and Dany (the two biggest characters on the show) are finally talking to one another and b) F*CKING HELL THAT ENDING WAS EPIC! 

- As much as I loved Arya's segment in 'Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken' her arc of becoming an assassin to enact vengeance upon her enemies is taking to long to come to fruition. This is partly because her scenes have been spread out and the snippets we get of her while great in their own self contained way have done little to get the ball rolling. Her inclusion in this episode was jarring considering she was wedged between two epic events, seeing her do reconnaissance on her first mission to kill an evil insurance dealer felt oddly tame compared to Danaerys and Tyrion sitting in a room discussing the order of things. I'm guessing she'll find and kill Meryn Trant before the end of the season (two episodes left!) but otherwise it's occurred to me that Arya's entire arc this season should be reduced to a training montage, a narrative shorthand for skipping the boring bits. Like Brienne we're waiting on her to do something important that will effect a major player on the show, and they keep dragging it out. 

- Is anyone else afraid Olly is going to do something horrific? They're giving a lot of screen time to a minor character at Castle Black... 

- Underwhelming circumstances of their meeting aside I think we can all agree that the show perfectly executed Tyrion and Dany's introduction this week. 'Into your service? Your grace we have only just met, it's to early to know if you deserve my service.' Everything that came out of Tyrion's mouth this episode was comedy gold, dripping with the sarcasm, wit and brutal honesty that incorporates everything we love about his character. Playing hard to get when you're faced with the queen who single handedly conquered Essos was surprisingly effective, although Jorah was on the receiving end of the brutal honesty part. Everything Tyrion said rang painfully true, Jorah IS devoted to Dany to the point of insanity, and he's willing to withhold the truth from her at every turn (notice he didn't mention his greyscale) to ensure he's at her side. Someone like that is dangerous to have around so exiling him again makes sense even if it pains both Dany and the audience. Sorry Jorah, you shouldn't have lied.

OMG THIS IS FINALLY HAPPENING!

- Following his second exile Jorah immediately goes back to the slave trader that forced him into the fighting pit during 'The Gift'. He willingly signs himself up for the big gladiatorial fight in Daznak's Pit, presumably because he's got nowhere else to go and just wants to get as many shots in front of Danaerys as possible before he succumbs to his grayscale. Yes that's right, Jorah is willing to enter into the most deadly fighting competition in Westeros just so he can see Dany one more time! Judging from a few trailer shots this looks to be quite an epic sequence in the next episode so I'm predicting next week will be Jorah's last stand (it's episode 9, someone has got to die). RIP Jorah, Lord Friendzone.

- 'Two terrible children from two terrible fathers.' Now that the introductions are over with Tyrion and Dany spend some crucial bonding time together. Granted they're still testing the waters, but they share crazy dads and noble intentions. They both want to change the world for the better ('breaking the wheel' sounds exciting) but have lacked the power or experience to do so. Ser Barristan's death left the door open to Tyrion, and with him as Dany's chief adviser I see great things ahead. Also: Tywin was adviser to the Mad King, now his child advises the Mad King's child! Talk about full circle. Also I think we should thank Varys for convincing Tyrion into doing this team-up, he might not be a scheming bastard like Littlefinger (from what we've seen at least) but he got one thing right: these two are perfect for each other. 

- Cersei got a visit from frankenstein doctor Pycelle this week, and things aren't looking good for her. According to Pycelle's handy info dump her trial will begin soon (what about the Tyrells?) for the crimes of fornication, treason and incest, all of which Cersei hilariously dismisses as 'lies'. Drop the act Cersei, nobody believes your bullsh*t. Tywin's brother Kevan is also back in Kings Landing and has been named Hand of the King. Based on what we've seen from uncle Kevan he's no fool and in charge of the Lannister army, so we might be seeing a lot more of him in the future. As for Tommen he's resorted to hiding in his bedroom and starving himself, the equivalent of a child throwing a tantrum I guess. So all in all, Cersei is still f*cked and we might actually have a decent figure head in charge of the Lannisters....good news! We also get an update on Pycelle's pet project: 'The work continues.' *SHUDDERS*

Things just got real.

- Things are heating up in the North as the Battle of Winterfell looms. It seems the Bolton's now have the upper hand so long as Ramsay doesn't get to brash with his plan to attack head on. Roose once again calls Ramsay out for being tactically stupid and impatient, instead opting to hold back behind the walls and wait it out. Ramsay suddenly has an idea to send a secret force of '20 good men' to go and do...something to Stannis' army? Okay, let's hope this isn't the showrunner's idea to cheat out of a good battle by having Ramsay insta-kill Stannis the day before the battle! Although since Stannis did the same thing to his brother back in season 2 maybe this is somehow appropriate, it definitely saves on budget.

- The entire second half of the episode is entirely devoted to Jon's mission to rescue the Wildlings from the upcoming winter. Judging from several impressive CGI aerial views Hardhome is where most of the remaining Wildlings are encamped after their defeat at the Wall. For this segment another awesome team-up was on the cards: Jon Snow and Tormund Bear F*cker, their relationship was rather aptly summarized with this quote: 'He's prettier than both my daughters, but he knows how to fight. He's young, but he knows how to lead. He came because he needs us, and we need him.' Well said Tormund, well said. 

- Before everything went to hell it seems Jon's efforts to save the Wildlings were rather unsuccessful. Negotiations didn't start off well when Tormund promptly smashed the sh*t out of the Lord of Bones (he was in season 2) and one of the Wildling leaders was a cannibalistic Thenn. Thankfully the show somehow managed to introduce and make us like/care for a completely new character in the span of ten minutes, Karsi played by Birgitte Hjort Sørensen. We warmed to her after another memorable quote (there were a lot in this episode) in response to discontent about their ancestors refusing to join the Night's Watch: 'So would mine, but fuck 'em. They're dead.' It didn't work though, it seems both the Nights Watch and the Wildlings can't get over history and out of the 100 000 Wildlings at Hardhome only 5000 of them opted to go with Jon back to the Wall. Henceforth these Wildlings shall be known as 'the intelligent ones' because Jon's argument that they're moments away from being brutally massacred by the White Walkers was proven to be true almost immediately after he arrived. Jon should have really just shouted 'I TOLD YOU SO!' although I guess he had a lot on his hands the moment everything went to hell. Speaking of hell...

The stuff epic is made of.

- Again the trailer spoiled us by suggesting that some sort of fight was happening here (wildings vs wildings anyone?) but HOLY SH*T we were not prepared for this! I don't think anybody expected an attack of this scale so soon before the normally pants wettingly good ninth episode but sh*t hit the fan in spectacular fashion over the course of twenty minutes. Previously big battles were given an entire blockbuster sized penultimate episode for showcasing these big events, 'Hardhome' managed to top all of them in less than half that runtime. 

- OMG so the White Walkers showed up in force with a horrendously massive army of the dead and completely massacred the Wildlings in another one of those 'Wait, I'm watching a T.V show now?' battles that no other show on TV can match. The danger of showing more of the White Walkers is that they become less of a threat or diminish their scare factor, but nope they've arguably never been more terrifying! Aside from their unkillable status (Valarian steel and Dragonglass aside) they have easily the worst kind of zombie you can have: fast, in several different stages of composition (ups the creep factor), controlled by a sentient force, can't be killed by taking out the brain and can USE WEAPONS. Yeah, Westeros is f*cked. 

- To summarize we had: a terrifyingly suspenseful snowstorm that wiped out most of the Wildlings outside, a Night Of The Living Dead crossed with World War Z mass attack on Hardhome's defenses, a giant taking on a horde of zombies, Jon fighting one on one with a White Walker, kid zombies and they ended with thousands of the dead being reanimated by the Night's King (that's supposedly his name) which perfectly matched Jon's best 'WE ARE SO F*CKED' face. For a season that's been lacking on a few big moments we've come to expect from this show (admittedly season 4 spoiled us) but they sure gave us one hell of a show that firmly placed the White Walker threat to the front of our minds. The Walkers have been in the background since the very first scene of the show and to finally get a glimpse at what the endgame will be like is thrilling: an all out post apocalyptic war movie with a threat that is truly terrifying. Korsi basically summarized our thoughts the moment she saw those creepy-as-f*ck zombie children and gave up: there is just no stopping this. And that final scene when the Night's King raised his arms in a very 'COME AT ME BRO!' kind of way (that was one smug grin) and reanimated everyone that was butchered? Chills man, chills. For a second I thought he was going to freeze the water but if they can do that then the show should really end next season because they're clearly on the warpath now and if water can't stop them then they'll be attacking Kings Landing in no time! 

That's terrifying. And gorgeous.

- My only issue with this is that by reintroducing the Walkers in such a big way it's hard to not see some of shows upcoming big confrontations (Stannis vs Boltons, Danaerys taking Kings Landing...) as petty disputes when an apocalyptic threat is looming on the horizon. In comparison to the White Walkers EVERYTHING seems mundane. The show can't back down now, by showing this battle they've started the endgame, which implies they're heading for the Wall real soon. 

For a season that has felt like it's been 90% set-up they pulled out all of the stops for this episode. The battle at Hardhome alone is worthy enough to rank high on my list of favourite episodes, but with Tyrion and Danearys now in cohoots? This is easily one the best if not THE best episodes of the show, combining a gigantic action sequence with several talky scenes that are equally epic. How the hell is episode 9 going to top this? GOT Ranking: 10/10

Game Of Thrones: The Gift

It's seems like the endgame of season 5 really kicked off this week with 'The Gift'. A lot happened in this extended hour long episode as several storylines were fast-tracked to get them exactly where they needed them to be for the final episodes. 

- Unfortunately my fears from last week were mostly true, Sansa is once again back to square zero when it comes to developing her character in any way other than an innocent girl who's a punching bag for the show's worst villains. Guys we've had five seasons of this, give her something to do! At least she showed some form of initiative in 'The Gift', even if it blew up in her face. Sending Theon to light the candle (presumably so Brienne can go save her) was a smart move....but she didn't count on him immediately going to Ramsay and telling him everything. Speaking of characters with no development, Theon once again proves he's Ramsay's lapdog and seemingly nothing can break him from his spell. Oh well, at least you tried Sansa. I'm still holding out hope that both of them will be stabbing Ramsay in the back by the end of the season, they're signposting this all over the place (notice Sansa stealing that corkscrew? Sneaky) but considering this is Game Of Thrones we're talking about watching the opposite is just as likely to be true.

- I've said before that the show should be hesitant to kill off Ramsay because he's one of the only major villains left, but I'm starting to feel like his character has been played out. Like Joffrey you can only watch one person being unbelievably cruel towards another person for so long before it starts to get old, you inevitably have to cash-in on those karma checks and give him a delicious comeuppance. Joffrey had his, now I think it's Ramsay's turn on the chopping block.  

- Stannis had a short but important scene this week, maybe the Battle of Winterfell isn't as one-sided as I once thought. The snow blizzard in this episode seems to have evened the ground a bit as Stannis' forces are either leaving or dying out in the cold. This prompts crazy Mel to propose sacrificing his daughter Shireen to guarantee victory. Thankfully Stannis refuses but I have a feeling this will happen anyway....not to point fingers but I predict his wife is totally going to go nuts and kill poor Shireen. Whatever happens there's no chance in hell Stannis is going to go through with this. Right? RIGHT??

'You think marrying Joffrey was bad? You ain't seen nothing yet'

- At this point I'm starting to think that the showrunners are deliberately shortchanging Jaime's plot this season to make time for everything else. Barely anything has happened there and this week all we got from Dorne was a brief conversation between Jaime and Mrycella that was over before it began (it literally lasted one minute!) and a scene with Bronn and the Sandsnakes. What was the point of Bronn being poisoned if he was IMMEDIATELY cured in the same scene? Why boobs of course. At least the Sandsnakes were in a scene that characterized them more than 'the whip one' or 'the spear one', now we have 'the one with the nice boobs'. Just....*SIGH*. I will admit that Bronn's singing was fabulous though, more of that please. EDIT: the last time we saw Bronn singing was in season two's 'Blackwater', which funnily enough also had boobs in it. So Bronn + singing = boobs? Makes sense. 

- Ultimately the reason why Dorne has been so lackluster is that we're missing big, chunky scenes of character interaction. The Jaime/Bronn stuff was so fun in the beginning but with only a few minutes here and there we're not getting any meat to chew on and nothing interesting is happening over there. A Jaime/Doran scene could fix this though, I'd imagine they would have a lot to say. Also the 'You don't know me!' line from Mrycella? Ouch Jaime, you got some catching up to do. 

- Of course, the moment Jon leaves to go to Hardhome sh*t hits the fan as Maester Aemon passes away and Gilly almost gets raped by a pair of Nightwatchmen. It was sad to see Aemon go, he's always been the wise man of the show and a father figure to Jon. 'Egg, I dreamt I was old...' was pretty heartbreaking I must say. A real shame, actor Peter Vaughn was a class act. His death served to further sow dissent among the men of the Night's Watch, verified by Gilly's unfortunate encounter. Sam the Slayer tried his best, bless him, but luckily Ghost was on hand (where the f*ck did he come from? And where has he been?) to stop yet another rape scene. This leads to Sam losing his virginity to Gilly, which considering he just tried to save her from being raped is a bit....unsensitive. I know Gilly was the willing participant here but they could have waited a bit! I'm all for Sam and Gilly getting it on together but it was a bit too soon. You don't save a girl from rape and then get sex as a reward, that's just plain f*cked up. 

'Weren't you in a box a few days ago? This has been a very eventful week.'

- Olenna seems to underestimate the church this season. On both counts it seems Jonathan Pryce has got the 'Queen of Thorns' on the defensive doing everything she can in order to get her grandchildren out of jail. Olenna is unable to deal with the situation because there's nothing the new High Septon wants. He can't be bargained with, he has no immediate weaknesses and he's not fake: he genuinely believes that the common folk deserve justice and that everyone should be judged in the eyes of god, and thanks to Cersei he's been given a position of power. Olenna's bullsh*t detector leads her astray simply because there's nothing to read, and that's an awesome power to have on this show. It's a bit unclear what the implications of her scene with Littlefinger was, were they the ones who brought Lancel to the High Septon's attention or was this always a card waiting to be placed upon the table? It seems Littlefinger and Olenna are working together on something anyway, it's always delightful seeing master players interact with one another. 

- Cersei finally got her comeuppance this week in quite possibly one of the most satisfying scenes in the entire series. The moment she left Margaery in her cell with that smug-ass grin you knew something was about to happen, things have been going far to well for her so far. This was reflected in her scene with Tommen who finally seems be growing a backbone of some sort (let's hope this doesn't turn him into Joffrey 2.0). Remember all of this is so she can coddle her son again, which strikes me as being incredibly petty. Her season long arc of mistakes finally came crashing down on her though, sure enough once the High Septon had had his say Lancel walked in and the Queen's mother was also tossed into a cell. THANK F*CKING GOD. With Cersei behind bars I wouldn't be surprised if Tommen (the product of her incest) was next. Maybe this is all a power play for the High Septon? Throw everyone in jail, take out the rich, assume control of the city, rip down the 'refinery' etc... we could be watching a big game player here! 

- Tyrion and Jorah's storyline got insanely fast tracked this week as they basically hit the fast-forward button and made the jump from them being slaves to meeting Dany in just two scenes. Wait, what did I just say? HOLY SH*T TYRION AND DANY JUST MET EACH OTHER!!!!!! < It should have felt like that at least, interestingly this entire segment felt rather anticlimactic. Dany and Tyrion meeting is a huge deal for watchers of the show but it ended up being done in a small training pit where Danearys just so happened to be in attendance. Couple that with a few lucky coincidences: Tyrion convincing the slaver to take him and that random dude cutting him free so he could run onto the fighting pit, it just reeked of the writers skipping plot points and staging coincidences to have them meet up before the end of the season. I like that they're not prolonging the inevitable but the way they did it felt oddly perfunctory and inconsequential, exasperated by the fact that they chose to end the episode on Cersei and not on this huge moment for the show. I'm not making that same mistake. 

So that's it for this week. While there hasn't been a standout episode so far this season I think it's safe to say 'The Gift' was a very good episode with a lot of good moments that outweighed any misgivings I had with the previous episode. Hopefully they can keep this streak up til' the end. GOT Ranking: 8,5/10. 

Game Of Thrones: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

'Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken' (the Martell family motto) is probably one of the worst Game Of Thrones episodes. That's mostly because of the high standard the series has set when it comes to quality, where 'ok' in Thrones terms in pretty bad. Episode six's biggest crime is that a few scenes stick out as being unnecessary or poorly executed.

- The best stuff was in the beginning with Arya. Becoming a Faceless one isn't just about giving up your identity, it's also about lying convincingly to people. Both Jaqen and the Waif demonstrate how inept Arya is at 'the game of faces', to the point where Arya can't even lie to herself properly in a fantastic scene where she gets called out on several lies she convinced herself was true (it seems she really did grow fond of the Hound). Later on she succeeds in lying to a sick girl and convincing her to drink the atrium's death water (what is in that stuff?) which impresses Jaqen enough to show her what's behind the mysterious door: a gigantic cavern filled with human faces of all the people they've killed, presumably where the Faceless ones gets their face masks from. Despite the eerie nature of seeing hundreds of dead human faces mounted on pillars like creepy house ornaments it felt surprisingly...magical? I got a real Harry Potter vibe from The House Of Black And White this week, it's weird I know. Both the architecture and mystical atmosphere really reminds me of Hogwarts. The mystical atmosphere also had a lot to do with the fantastic score that synced up perfectly with Jaqen's spine tinglingly awesome speech: 'No, a girl is not ready to become no-one, but she's ready to become someone else.' Hopefully this doesn't mean Arya will have to put on a face mask and Maisie Williams won't be playing her for a couple of episodes, this is an issue the show will have to get around somehow. Or maybe she's going to wear the face of the dead girl she killed? Now that would be creepy. Despite the overall meh-ness of episode six I can at least say it got me invested in Arya's season 5 storyline, a tough act to follow considering how amazing her team-up with the Hound was.

- Well okay, I also really enjoyed Tyrion and Jorah's little skit this week. In an emotionally charged scene Jorah finally learns about his fathers death and Tyrion's motives for being astray in Volantis. Ian Glen's face acting here when he learns of his fathers death is extremely affecting, which makes me even sadder we probably won't be seeing him in season six. After some mutual bonding over the honorable Joer Mormant we then got some good insight into Jorah's thoughts on Dany, with Tyrion correctly pointing out that she might not be the right fit when it comes to ruling over Westeros. Jorah is obviously unconcerned, arguing that she's got a long way to go before they can start having this conversation, which I guess is true. We're still a long way away from seeing Danaerys attack Kings Landing, but her attempts to make things right in Meereen have been rocky at best. I'm siding with Tyrion on this one. The two bro's then get captured by pirates, with Tyrion once again managing to outwit extremely dumb people by convincing them that Jorah is a skilled fighter and he needs to be attached to his cock. They're both destined for the Dany's reopened fighting pits it seems, although Tyrion may have to sacrifice his cock to a cock merchant first (this was a great gag, implying that cock merchants are a really big thing in Essos). This development is exciting because it means we might see Dany and Tyrion interact before the end of the season, putting them both at the fighting pits is speeding things up. 

So this is what Westeros' Hogwarts is like.

- Onto Kings Landing, both Littlefinger and Olenna Tyrell return to the Capital this episode to try and fix the chaos created by the Faith Millitant. Paetyr Baelish adds another layer to his increasingly intricate power play this week by informing Cersei about Sansa's marriage to Ramsay and convincing her that his army at the Vale could easily overcome the winning side, Stannis or the Boltons. If he succeeds he will be declared the new Warden of the North by Tommen, and presumably work his way into marrying Sansa to grasp a hold over the North. And guess what? He could always help Stannis in taking down the Bolton's, I'm sure Stannis would reward him greatly for this. Seen as Jon doesn't want the position, why not give Baelish Winterfell? Basically he's crafting a game plan so perfect that no matter what happens he's going to win big, and everybody on the show is oblivious to this. Remember he's always wanted revenge on Ned for taking Cateyln away from him, with this his revenge plan is complete complete: Ned dead, the North is Petyr's, and Sansa will be his his replacement Cat. This is ingenious, with a guy as crafty as this how could anybody possible take him down? His weakness seems to be Sansa, but maybe even that is in doubt. If you're playing the Game Of Thrones, it's wise to always bet on Littlefinger. 

- If Cersei was smart you'd assume she'd think that all of this sounded too good to be true but hey, Cersei is to busy being smug over her hold on the Tyrells. She's equally ignorant with Lady 'scene stealer' Olenna, who does nothing but remind her about how stupid her whole scheme is. The Lannisters need the Tyrells support but Cersei risks throwing the alliance away just because she can't have control over her son. This culminates in an interrogation scene where High Sparrow arrests both Margaery and Loras, much to Cersei's amusement. I can't wait to see Olenna retaliate, you can be sure one of the show's best players has something up her sleeve. To quote Bugs Bunny: 'I hope you realize this means war'. Cersei it seems, does not. 

Theon is playing the role of Igor today. 

- Oh dear oh dear, the entire escapade in Dorne was rather laughable wasn't it? From what I've heard from the books, the Sandsnakes are supposed to be badasses, but here they come off as wannabe power rangers. Aside from the incredibly coincidental moment where all three factions aligned: Jaime/Bronn (who somehow got inside the Water gardens in less than a second), Princess Myrcella and Prince Tristan (we literally get one scene with them beforehand) and the Sandsnakes, the fight was terrible. Something about it felt extremely naff, choreographed and cheap looking, completely the opposite of what fight scenes in this show normally are. Couple that with barely getting a look at Dorne (is it really just one big fancy garden?) everything about this storyline has felt rushed, constricted and uncharacteristically bad for the show. Also Bronn got slashed by one of the Sandsnakes, which probably means he's been poisoned. Sh*t. At least next week we might get to some talky bits between Jaime and Doran, so that could be interesting. 

- Then we have Sansa's wedding, which has proved to be incredibly controversial. First of all: of course Ramsay would rape Sansa on her wedding night, and OF COURSE he would make Reek watch. He's a despicable human being, pretty much everyone should have seen this one coming. What sucks about this scene isn't the rape itself, it's the fact that it feels like we're taking Sansa back to square one. She's once again been reduced to the frightened little girl reacting to everything rather than someone who's trying to enact revenge on the people who destroyed her family, something that the show up until this point had been hinting that. You could also make the argument that this scene is gratuitous, but that depends on the effect this will have on Theon and Sansa. Maybe this is the one thing that will finally allow Theon to come out of his shell? I suspect they're going that way, he's been a sniveling bitch long enough. Either way this scene didn't sit well with a lot of people, and it kinda shouldn't. Rape is a really touchy issue, at least the show chose to film things 'tastefully' this time by mainly just focusing on the horror on Reeks face. Congrats to Iwan Rheon though, you sure know how to act being the most despicable scumbag on earth. Let's hope Joffrey has reserved a seat for Ramsay in hell. 

So that concludes this weeks recap, and regardless of what you thought of the episode I'm sure you'll agree that it wasn't up to the standards normally set by the show. I've never called a Game Of Thrones scene bad but Dorne was definitely a low point in the show's history. Let's hope they can pick up the pace next week as we enter the season's endgame. GOT Ranking: 6/10

Game Of Thrones: Kill The Boy

'Kill The Boy' was an interesting Thrones episode. Instead of speeding things up from Eps 3 and 4 which got the ball rolling they decided to apply the brakes this week and focus on only a few of the players for some good old fashioned character development. You could argue that nothing happened, but there's something so damn compelling about seeing these characters interact with one another that I found myself hardly noticing: 

- I have bad news: we're now halfway through the season and I'm starting to wonder whether any 'big' stuff is going to happen before we wrap up and say goodbye to Westeros for another year. Which isn't to say 'Kill The Boy' was bad, far from it in fact, but with the exception of Stannis, Daenerys and Jon's storylines (pretty much everyone featured in this episode) the rest of the segments feel like they're moving so slowly into place. Five episodes left and Jaime still hasn't got into Dorne, Tyrion still hasn't met Dany, Brienne is still looking for SOME KIND of cause to put her loyalty into, Cersei is somehow still alive and Arya has barely been seen. That's a lot of stuff left unresolved, I hope they can deliver. Rushing things admittedly won't help, but I'm selfish, I don't want to wait another year.

- I honestly thought Danaerys was going off the deep end when she was straight up murdering potentially innocent people so she can satisfy her blood lust. Worried about giving her dragons indigestion, she was pretty much like 'This was fun, let's do this tomorrow!' at the end! Sure Barristan's death hit her hard (I think we all miss the old man), but this just hasn't been her style. The show is no doubt trying to echo her link to the infamous mad king, reminding us that she's one step away from burning everyone to death with her Dragons. Up until this episode I refused to believe she would turn crazy, now I'm not so sure. The idea of a genuinely good person trying to rule fairly but be punished for being fair in an unfair world and eventually going crazy because of it is a very Game Of Thrones thing to do, once again upturning the idea of the cliché fantasy chosen one that it so hastily dismantled with the Starks. Consider me worried. 

- Yeah, you feed those Dragons human's Danaerys, I'm sure that will work out. It's not like they have the taste for human flesh or anything...wait wasn't this the reason why she locked her pets up in the first place? So she could PREVENT them from killing and eating humans? Not so righteous now, are you Danaerys? 

- Thankfully after a sweet conversation with Greyworm Missandei convinces Dany to find another way, making her do a complete 180. Hizdahr 'f*ck typing that name' zo Loraq is a day away from being dragon food before suddenly becoming the luckiest man alive as Dany announces that she's going to reopen the fighting pits (what he wanted) and...marry him! Dany's decision making here felt incredibly abrupt, marriage for her obviously isn't that big a deal. I guess she could always institutionalize divorce if things don't go so well. Regardless of how rushed it was she's now finally agreeing to compromise, so she's on the right path. It took a lot of death to get her to this point though.

This is going to go well...

- We're getting a lot of movement at the Wall this week, as both Stannis and Jon are departing after spending half a season deciding what to do next. Some good counseling from Maester Aemon to 'Kill The Boy' results in Jon successfully managing to persuade Tormund (the big red haired dude you most certainly DO NOT WANT TO PISS OFF!) into allying with him to save a bunch of Wildings stranded outside the Wall. It makes you wonder why Jon didn't offer this argument to Mance Raydner before he burned, even if he wasn't Lord Commander yet it might have convinced Mance not to give up his life yet. It certainly seemed to convince Tormund, who is one hell of a scary man. Either way Jon's decision is extremely unpopular with the members of the Night's Watch, even Jon's squire (who killed Ygritte remember) is horrified. I've been patiently waiting for Ygritte's death to come up, maybe as a counterpoint used by Jon to proclame his forgiveness as a way of gaining the Watch's support. I'll be damned if this doesn't come up, why else would they still keep that Ygritte murdering kid around?

- Considering Jon's penchant of getting into fights and various eye popping clips from the trailers, I'm guessing this mission to 'Hardhome' won't go so well. Let's hope it's the White Walkers who attack and not the Wildlings this time. It's been five seasons, we're desperate for some zombie action! 

- Speaking of White Walkers, Stannis 'father of the year' Baratheon continues to be awesome this week by proving that's he's the only major player who's smart enough to give a f*ck about the White Walkers. His short scene with Sam had everyone crying 'YES!!!!! SOMEBODY GETS IT!' as he now knows the White Walkers achilles heel: dragon glass. He seems to have got a lot of it back at his castle, so I don't see the White Walkers being a threat with Stannis in power. Stannis the Mannis then departs (daughter and bitch wife in tow) to Winterfell with his massive army looking to f*ck the Bolton's sh*t up. While Stannis' sudden popularity could be an indicator of his upcoming death the show seems to be biggening up both sides of the conflict, it could be anyone's game at this point. With uncle Davos and crazy Aunt Mel on his side (they're like a dysfunctional family at this point) Stannis will be a tough opponent to beat. 

- It's unclear to me where the vast 100 000 strong Wilding army went at the end of season 4 when Stannis attacked (let alone where his army is being kept!). Did they flee? Are they still camping outside of the Wall? Or are they behind it? The show has been dreadfully unclear on this matter, probably because they're unwilling to animate an army of 100 000 men each week. Still, a simple line of dialogue could have cleared things up. Maybe we're about to get to that with Jon?

Meet your new Tywin and Joffrey, man, and you thought those two were evil? 

- Sansa and the Bolton's were afforded a lot of precious time this week. Once again we end on the 'It's time to go to war note' as Roose convinces Ramsay that his sadistic nature doesn't lend itself well to future planning, partly because he could be expendable with a new heir on the way but mainly because Stannis the Mannis is coming and they had better get their sh*t in order. This segment was aimed at you getting to hate the Bolton's as villains again, with heavy emphasis on Roose and Ramsay. Right now they are the show's only remaining villains (aside from the Freys, although I suspect we will be seeing more of them soon) and in preparation for the future battle we're getting several 'I'M EVIL!' scenes with them. Roose's story of how Ramsay came to be is comically evil, if it wasn't so weirdly touching. 'The second I laid eyes upon you I knew you were my son'. Awwww, isn't that sweet, in a f*cked up kinda way. Ramsay also has a sub-plot with his pre-Sansa girlfriend, their relationship isn't healthy in the slightest. This girl is clearly going to pull a move at some point, I'm surprised she hasn't stabbed Sansa in the back yet. 

- Boltons vs Stannis FIGHT! Unlike other Thrones battles the odds are against the bad guys on this one, makes you wonder if Ramsay might pull of an extremely dirty trick to succeed. It's certainly not past the Bolton's, considering the antics they pulled at the Red Wedding. Stannis' honor bound code could be the death of him when faced with the schemey 'I f*cked a wife next to her hanged husband' Boltons. And if the Bolton's lose the show would be lacking a good set of villains, so maybe that's a reason to still keep them in play. Whatever the outcome I hope we see the results this season, although the end of the season is looking very overcrowded at the moment. 

- Sansa continues to be a wet blanket unfortunately, refusing to deliver on the promise of 'Dark Sansa' we were so pumped for at the end of last season. She does get some development though, finally encountering what's left of Theon in the dog kennels. It's difficult to ascertain her feelings about Reek, does she forgive him or simply revile him? Time will tell I guess, I wonder if her wedding with Ramsay is still coming up?  

The bromance is strong with these ones. 

- Brienne gets another short scene this week, I continue to have no idea where her character is going. She's obviously trying to rescue Sansa but how she will get around to that is confusing, maybe during the heat of battle? Brienne is basically looking for a good cause to sink her loyalty into, which is ironically Stannis at this point but it looks like we're going to have to settle with Sansa. Clips from trailers have showed her in a snowy environment this season, which implies she ends up at the Wall at some point. Again, no idea where this is going. I like Podrick though, so that's something.

- My reaction to Tyrions segment this week: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ser Davos and Jorah are some of my favorite characters on the show, to see one of them inflicted with a fatal disease is quite frankly heartbreaking. YOU BASTARDS! Just when he was getting along so well with Tyrion.....maybe they can just cut his hand off Walking Dead style? This was a major curve ball, especially occurring so soon after Barristan's death. Considering how slow the disease is he will most likely get to see Dany again before going out in a trailblaze of glory. This would be a sad but satisfying end to his character, unless he somehow gets cured and woos Dany back to his side. Unfortunately, this is not a romantic comedy.

- Pre-death mourning aside (let's face it, he's a goner, this show doesn't do cop outs) the scene before it was incredibly well done. We had a lot of great lore building in the SFX shot's of Old Valyria, a haunting bromance poem between Tyrion and Jorah AND an incredibly intense fight with the Stone Men, what's not to love? We also saw a bit more of Drogon, who seems to playing an ominous role this season as the bearer of bad news (he appeared just before the Harpy's attacked remember). After a lot of hints over at the Wall the inclusion of the stone men felt very natural and not at all in a 'we need bad guys here' kind of way, so I applaud them for the foreshadowing. On the bright side at least we know ahead of time when a character is going to die for once, by Thrones standards that's practically merciful. I declare we should savor every moment with Jorah we have left. 

- No Kings Landing this week? Huh, is that a first outside of the Wall episode? 

- No Jaime/Bronn either. BOOOOOOO! 

- I'm sorry, I just can't get over it: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! R.I.P Lord Friendzone, the unluckiest guy in Westeros. 

That's everything I've got for this week. Concentrating on just four segments may have slowed down the pacing but was invaluable when it came to putting the big pieces in place for (hopefully) the second half of the season. Ultimately it was a necessary building block, and this show never once gets close to boring. GOT Ranking: 8/10. 

Tips for your oral exam

When preparing for an oral exam, especially the few that are coming up for me in the next couple of days, two things are likely to come to mind. 1) it's a lot of work (especially when it involves doing an oral in another language) and 2) OMG THIS IS SO MUCH WORK!!! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS THE EXAM IS LIKE IN THREE DAYS *STARTS HYPERVENTILATING*. Both of these reactions are perfectly valid and have only one answer: GET TO WORK NOW! Look there's no way of getting around this, if you want a good result then you have to work hard, this applies to pretty much everything and is a common known fact to almost everybody. Some people can get by fine if they're adept enough but in my opinion it's better to be safe than sorry. Personally speaking the more prepared I am the less stressed out I become, and the less stressed out I am I'm less prone to making mistakes. Pushing it back with the excuse that you'll brute force it later is just a way of telling yourself that you'll never get around to it. Frantically panic revising the night before is not beneficial to your mental health, you're going to be kicking yourself with regret all the way to the exam. 

When preparing for an oral (no, not that kind of oral) it's best to split your script up into neat, bite sized morsels that you can easily memorize and keep track of. Literally, just attempt a few sentences at a time, you'll get there. If you learn it all in chronological order and recite them all together repeatedly you'll eventually have it down pretty well. Another thing to remember is that revising in short chunks is much more favorable over brute forcing it over a long period. Try an hour of revision followed by an hour of something else then another hour of revision...memorizing something requires a lot of concentration on your part and doing this over a long period of time is difficult to do. Supposedly our capacity to assimilate something diminishes after 25 mins of concentration so keep that in mind.  How you revise is up to you put I guarantee that doing a little bit of revision every day will be in the long run be much more effective. By the time you can recite most of your script off by heart at pretty much any time of the day you know you've got this down pat. 

Pictured: you refusing to revise before an oral exam

As far as pronunciation of foreign languages is concerned just repeat the word that you're struggling with long enough to the point where you'll be able to do it 50 years from now, this has always worked for me. Several sites like Google Translate offer pronunciation tools so when in doubt use them. Speaking of Google Translate a lot of us are going to be using this to translate our scripts into other languages. To put it bluntly if you want to save time using translators are a must. Sure they're unreliable (and oftentimes completely wrong) but dissecting every single word in a dictionary is going to take hours and Google always offers you multiple choices of translation if you click on the translated words in your browser. Granted you'll be missing out on learning a lot more of the language but there's always later for that, the time you're spending translating everything are better served being spent on revision. Most of the mistakes are also easy to spot anyway, it's also recommended you use multiple translators to spot any differences you might have overlooked, like Pons for example.  

Onto the actual exam itself: displaying confidence is another large part of winning an oral exam, thankfully this can be faked. Attempt to speak clearly and loudly. Talking quietly won't do you any favors, I know we do it often to disguise any mispronunciations or dodgy sentences we never bothered to change last minute but it's an obvious tell. It shows a lack of confidence in your work and makes it difficult for the teacher to judge you. Your script could be complete sh*t but as long as you sell it like it's gold and show a certain assurance in what you're saying you're more likely to win more points in one area than lose points in another.

It's more manipulation than acting really.

You also need to show conviction by stretching your acting muscles a bit and pretending you're super into whatever subject you're talking about. The best piece of advice I can give you is this: MAKE. THEM. REMEMBER. YOU. If you inject a bit of personality into proceedings, it spruces things up a bit, the person evaluating you will like you more. Give your personal opinion on the subject you're handling, inject a bit of humor where possible (this doesn't mean you're presenting a Benny Hill sketch, put a few light touches go a long way) and for the love of god don't be boring or generic. To the teachers evaluating you you're just another student in a long line of students they've already seen so unless you're the first in line you better differentiate yourself from the rest of the pack. For example if you're talking about climate change EVERYONE brings up CO2 from car emissions yet the biggest cause for global warming is actually in elevating meat. Try and put that under the light more, justify it by saying they've probably heard all about CO2 emissions by now so you want to talk about something else. If you do have to mention explicit subjects than at least try to tackle from a different angle other than CO2 = BAD! Show that you're intelligent, don't recite the most boring crap everyone has heard over a hundred times or more. Just make sure you please them with your oral skills. Wait, that wasn't what I meant...

When planning your script, make it look improvised. You can still use a couple of complicated words here and there, but make sure to keep sentences simple and snappy. Refrain from using any onomatopoeia's ('so....', 'ummm....'), but say words or express pauses that people wouldn't put on paper that'll make you look smarter because you seemingly came up with it on the fly ('like.....', 'Oh yeah and I've also just remembered...', 'that reminds me...', 'but...'). Essentially make something that you actually spent working on for hours look like you improvised incredibly well on the spot, that could be one way of accruing a few more points as teachers love kids that can react in a foreign language on the fly. Don't dum it down too much though, you still need to speak intelligently. Heaven forbid if you're just copying a speech directly off the internet (you lazy ass buggers) but at least try and make it seem like you came up with it. Remember: acting!  

I can't decide whether 5 mins is a lot or nothing at all.

If there's a checklist of things you have to mention or do in your exam then try and fulfill each and every one of them satisfactory. Don't forget to time yourself as well, you will be surprised how long 5 mins can feel. It doesn't have to be EXACTLY five minutes remember (they've hardly got a stop watch on them) but at least aim for the four minute mark. Ultimately as long as what you're saying is coherent enough and reaches five minutes for a lot of teachers that's enough. It's that extra finish on top of that though which turns a good score into an excellent one. And let's be honest why wouldn't you aim for the highest score anyway? A few extra hours of work are nothing compared to the rest of your life, you know this. The points you win in this test could be making up for lost points elsewhere, Did you fail the Maths exam? This will make up for it.

The questions part of the exam are always tricky due to their random nature. I would suggest revising answers to questions that are vague enough that they could cover a large variety of possible questions. You can purposefully leave important bits out of your script that you know will be brought up in the questions part of the test. To give you an idea, if your script is on about the notion of power and you don't give the definition of power you can be damn sure this will come up in the second part. It's also possible for them to ask about your personal life, like 'What did you think of this subject' or 'Where are you going after the summer holidays?' Also your answers are nuanced and offer a bit more complexity than a simple 'yes' or 'no', they will want a bit more than that. Teachers for the most part aren't dickheads, the questions won't be super philosophical or anything like that. I imagine they've got a mental checklist with about 50 generic questions or so that they'll just endlessly cycle, so no need to be to creative. Try to go slowly on the answers though, you've got a much bigger risk of losing if you're asked four questions instead of three so take your time.

Well that's all the tip's I can think of off the top of my head. Now if you excuse me I need to stop being lazy and work on my oral skills....