Game Of Thrones: The Dance Of Dragons

Following one the best episodes of the show ever, 'The Dance Of Dragons' tries it's best to live up to previous episode 9's by giving us another massive set-piece in the second half but unfortunately the Dorne and Arya plotlines drag it down a bit.

- Arya's plotline really is going nowhere isn't it? We don't need a segment setting up Meryn Trant as a bad guy, he's clearly been one since season 1. Wow, he's a pedophile? Pure shock value, although it does provide Arya with a means to get close to him (EWWWWW!). I'm fine with her killing Trant but couldn't they have done it in the same episode? Do we really need to stretch this out for another week, he's only a minor henchman to Cersei! Plot delay aside it was fun seeing Mark Gatiss' banker being bored to death by Mace Tyrell, we need more humour in this show!

- We had an incredibly short scene with Jon this week. Basically Alliser Thorne let Jon and the Wildings in (not to mention Wun Wun!) but not before remarking that Jon's heart will get them all killed. He's not wrong, this is Game Of Thrones after all. Foreshadowing? 

- The Dorne segment was actually quite tolerable in this episode in comparison to episode 6 *SHUDDERS*, but the complete and utter lack of stakes (literally EVERYTHING gets worked out in the end and Jaime gets everything he wants) deflates any interest we have. Doran is such a nice guy, he's pretty much the only character on the show to preach peace! Normally with Game Of Thrones we would expect this scene to be immediately followed with Jaime being brutally stabbed by Ellaria Sand after she repents, but no, in fact she seems most agreeable towards Jaime. If anything big were to happen in Dorne I'm sure they would have done it in this episode. Still, something has to happen over there next week...right? Otherwise what was the point of this sub-par diversion? 

- I've finally cracked why the Dorne scenes feel so out of place with the rest of the show: it feels like a TV show. Yeah, you heard me right, on any other TV show the odd dodgy scene like the ones set in Dorne would pass but in GOT? This show never feels like a TV show, the writing, dialogue and acting has always been sky high above anything else TV can produce. So when we get a scene set in a claustrophobic, budget friendly space with sketchy, ill defined characters it jarrs with the rest of the aesthetic. 

Happy family.

- The big controversy of this episode is centered around Stannis doing a complete 180 from what we've seen so far this season and instantly becoming a bad guy by brutally murdering his daughter Shireen. EVERYONE saw this coming, we just didn't expect Stannis to be the one doing it. I am conflicted about this: on the one hand Stannis has been burning people for Melisandre since we first saw him (his first scene was him burning heretics), a fact I had conveniently forgot about until now. Then he has also been shown to be incredibly stubborn and once he's made up his mind there's no going back, and witch a lack of options what is a man going to do? BUT the show has gone on record several times by saying that he truly loves his daughter and wouldn't do anything to harm her, AND set up that he's becoming increasingly wary of crazy Mels magic. Despite the constant foreshadowing I still have trouble believing he would make a decision so quickly and in the same episode, it doesn't gel with me. Couple that with the fact that we have grown to love Shireen and in some respects root for Stannis (I have been heavily pro-Stannis all season) this was a HORRIFYING scene to watch, probably one of the show's worst since the infamous Red Wedding. It proved this show has no boundaries, no barrier is not yet crossed. So yes, the most popular show in television really did just make a fan favourite burn his daughter alive. That was a tough watch!

- Make no mistake both Stannis and Shireen died in this episode, there is nothing left of Stannis now but a hollowed out husk of a man who has been fed lies about being the chosen one. No matter who wins in the Battle of Winterfell (which better be in episode 10) we all lose, both sides deserve what's coming to them as far as I'm concerned, let's just make sure Brienne rescues Sansa before the swords start clashing. Reek, Stannis, Bolton's F*CK EM! 

- Forget the Dragon, the most unbelievable thing this episode was Selyse (Stannis' wife) trying to rescue Shireen from the burning pyre. Three season's and she's expressed nothing but hatred for Shireen, to have a change of heart so suddenly...nope not buying it. 

- Thank god poor uncle Davos was sent away! Stannis knew if anyone was to get in his way (or convince him otherwise) it would be him, so he coldly made sure Davos wouldn't be present. His last scene with Shireen was painful to watch and they shared a very close bond in season 3, and judging from Dovos' noncommittal reply 'Because you deserve it' indicates he knew that something bad was about to happen. Question is once he returns from the Wall what will he do when he finds out Shireen has been murdered? He would make a great advisor for Jon but I can also see him running a blade through Stannis' withered heart. Or vice versa. Personally I would have Davos try and rescue Shireen before being caught and executed beside her. You know, just to increase the tragedy. 

Group shot! 

- So the big event this week was indeed all about Danaerys and the Harpies invading Daznak's Pit. If this episode came BEFORE last week this would be one the show's most stunning sequences but as it stands this fantastic scene feels a little tame in comparison to the massive onslaught the White Walkers enacted upon the world in Hardhome. The biggest shock? No one died! For an episode so drenched in cruelty this was the perfect antidote we needed to match Shireen's horrible death and Meryn's pedophilic ways. The good guys actually managed to come out of this one unscathed! YAY!!! Well, as long as your not counting poor Hizdar. 

- Who wants to see a 1h recut episode that included the battle of Hardhome to the mix, basically move Stannis' stuff to last week and have both fights in one show? Now THAT would be one hell of a ninth episode! 

- Even if Drogon didn't show up this would still be an impressive sequence. Jorah's pre-terrorist attack fight in the pit was well done with him suitably getting his ass handed to him and barely making it out of each skirmish alive (his armor helped him a lot, nice touch). Once again the scale of the show is incredible, god knows how much the CGI cost to create that massive stadium. The banter between Hizdar, Tyrion and Daario was also pretty good, there's clearly some sort of philosophical competition going on between the three of them. Shame we didn't see more of this really. 

- Of course the Sons of the Harpy attack, creepily appearing put of nowhere and stabbing pretty much anyone near them. Who is organizing all these attacks? We should be pointing fingers at Hizdar, put the poor bloke got stabbed. There also seems to be a lot of these faceless terrorists, how they managed to sneak all those golden masks into the stadium is a bit of a mystery. Security anyone?! Anyway after a lot of stabbing Dany and co are herded into the middle of the stadium to presumably be massacred like cattle when this happens.....

Drogon to the rescue!

- You could argue it's a bit of a Deus Ex Machina but it's been well earned by this point. Sure enough Drogon proceeds to burn and tear up all of the bad guys (or conveniently placed groups of four in this case) to pieces in another awesome display of spectacle. Remember, we're watching a TV show! Dragon's aren't invulnerable however, it seems that any ordinary spear can pierce Drogon's hide which is a bit worrying, since those White Walkers from an episode back defintely had very pointy spears on hand. Dany of course sees this and then GETS ON HIS BACK AND FLIES AWAY. God it feels so good to finally type that. This is a big moment for the show, it's one thing to have the Dragons appear every now and again but if you're not going to use them in any meaningful way what's the point of having them? While I don't think we'll be seeing them every episode now that Dany can officially fly on Drogon I think this changes the game in Meereen somewhat. She's been afraid to use her Dragons in the past, surely now she'll untie the other two in the basement and get to work on burning the sunofabitch behind this? 

- These last few episodes have really delivered on the fantasy element of the show, I'm glad that they've really put a focus on the two main opposing forces (Ice & Fire) as the show nears the last phase of its narrative. Because let's face it, the final conflict is inevitably going to be zombies vs dragons, everything else is set dressing at this point. Also yes I guess Dany did just abandon her friends in the midst of an all out terrorist attack! But the way they shot it implied she did it stop Drogon from being killed rather than save her own skin. Still she could have still come back to roast some more harpies while her friends escaped! Judging from the next time trailer everyone seems to be okay though, so no harm no foul? 

Another week and another explosive edition of Game Of Thrones. While the constant dread and disgust onset by Stannis' actions were weirdly muffled by the somewhat happy and uplifting ending of Dany riding Drogon into the sunset (you end up feeling both depressed and exhilarated at the same time) this was still really good. It obviously can't compare to previous seasons but if you combine 'Hardhome' with 'The Dance Of Dragons' then you've got an amazing climax to this season. AND ITS NOT OVER YET! One more to go, my only worry is that they've got a LOT left to wrap up. GOT Ranking: 9/10. 

Game Of Thrones: Hardhome

'Hardhome' feels like the first episode of the season where sh*t starts hitting the fan in a big way, and it's also one of the best Game Of Thrones episodes ever because a) Tyrion and Dany (the two biggest characters on the show) are finally talking to one another and b) F*CKING HELL THAT ENDING WAS EPIC! 

- As much as I loved Arya's segment in 'Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken' her arc of becoming an assassin to enact vengeance upon her enemies is taking to long to come to fruition. This is partly because her scenes have been spread out and the snippets we get of her while great in their own self contained way have done little to get the ball rolling. Her inclusion in this episode was jarring considering she was wedged between two epic events, seeing her do reconnaissance on her first mission to kill an evil insurance dealer felt oddly tame compared to Danaerys and Tyrion sitting in a room discussing the order of things. I'm guessing she'll find and kill Meryn Trant before the end of the season (two episodes left!) but otherwise it's occurred to me that Arya's entire arc this season should be reduced to a training montage, a narrative shorthand for skipping the boring bits. Like Brienne we're waiting on her to do something important that will effect a major player on the show, and they keep dragging it out. 

- Is anyone else afraid Olly is going to do something horrific? They're giving a lot of screen time to a minor character at Castle Black... 

- Underwhelming circumstances of their meeting aside I think we can all agree that the show perfectly executed Tyrion and Dany's introduction this week. 'Into your service? Your grace we have only just met, it's to early to know if you deserve my service.' Everything that came out of Tyrion's mouth this episode was comedy gold, dripping with the sarcasm, wit and brutal honesty that incorporates everything we love about his character. Playing hard to get when you're faced with the queen who single handedly conquered Essos was surprisingly effective, although Jorah was on the receiving end of the brutal honesty part. Everything Tyrion said rang painfully true, Jorah IS devoted to Dany to the point of insanity, and he's willing to withhold the truth from her at every turn (notice he didn't mention his greyscale) to ensure he's at her side. Someone like that is dangerous to have around so exiling him again makes sense even if it pains both Dany and the audience. Sorry Jorah, you shouldn't have lied.

OMG THIS IS FINALLY HAPPENING!

- Following his second exile Jorah immediately goes back to the slave trader that forced him into the fighting pit during 'The Gift'. He willingly signs himself up for the big gladiatorial fight in Daznak's Pit, presumably because he's got nowhere else to go and just wants to get as many shots in front of Danaerys as possible before he succumbs to his grayscale. Yes that's right, Jorah is willing to enter into the most deadly fighting competition in Westeros just so he can see Dany one more time! Judging from a few trailer shots this looks to be quite an epic sequence in the next episode so I'm predicting next week will be Jorah's last stand (it's episode 9, someone has got to die). RIP Jorah, Lord Friendzone.

- 'Two terrible children from two terrible fathers.' Now that the introductions are over with Tyrion and Dany spend some crucial bonding time together. Granted they're still testing the waters, but they share crazy dads and noble intentions. They both want to change the world for the better ('breaking the wheel' sounds exciting) but have lacked the power or experience to do so. Ser Barristan's death left the door open to Tyrion, and with him as Dany's chief adviser I see great things ahead. Also: Tywin was adviser to the Mad King, now his child advises the Mad King's child! Talk about full circle. Also I think we should thank Varys for convincing Tyrion into doing this team-up, he might not be a scheming bastard like Littlefinger (from what we've seen at least) but he got one thing right: these two are perfect for each other. 

- Cersei got a visit from frankenstein doctor Pycelle this week, and things aren't looking good for her. According to Pycelle's handy info dump her trial will begin soon (what about the Tyrells?) for the crimes of fornication, treason and incest, all of which Cersei hilariously dismisses as 'lies'. Drop the act Cersei, nobody believes your bullsh*t. Tywin's brother Kevan is also back in Kings Landing and has been named Hand of the King. Based on what we've seen from uncle Kevan he's no fool and in charge of the Lannister army, so we might be seeing a lot more of him in the future. As for Tommen he's resorted to hiding in his bedroom and starving himself, the equivalent of a child throwing a tantrum I guess. So all in all, Cersei is still f*cked and we might actually have a decent figure head in charge of the Lannisters....good news! We also get an update on Pycelle's pet project: 'The work continues.' *SHUDDERS*

Things just got real.

- Things are heating up in the North as the Battle of Winterfell looms. It seems the Bolton's now have the upper hand so long as Ramsay doesn't get to brash with his plan to attack head on. Roose once again calls Ramsay out for being tactically stupid and impatient, instead opting to hold back behind the walls and wait it out. Ramsay suddenly has an idea to send a secret force of '20 good men' to go and do...something to Stannis' army? Okay, let's hope this isn't the showrunner's idea to cheat out of a good battle by having Ramsay insta-kill Stannis the day before the battle! Although since Stannis did the same thing to his brother back in season 2 maybe this is somehow appropriate, it definitely saves on budget.

- The entire second half of the episode is entirely devoted to Jon's mission to rescue the Wildlings from the upcoming winter. Judging from several impressive CGI aerial views Hardhome is where most of the remaining Wildlings are encamped after their defeat at the Wall. For this segment another awesome team-up was on the cards: Jon Snow and Tormund Bear F*cker, their relationship was rather aptly summarized with this quote: 'He's prettier than both my daughters, but he knows how to fight. He's young, but he knows how to lead. He came because he needs us, and we need him.' Well said Tormund, well said. 

- Before everything went to hell it seems Jon's efforts to save the Wildlings were rather unsuccessful. Negotiations didn't start off well when Tormund promptly smashed the sh*t out of the Lord of Bones (he was in season 2) and one of the Wildling leaders was a cannibalistic Thenn. Thankfully the show somehow managed to introduce and make us like/care for a completely new character in the span of ten minutes, Karsi played by Birgitte Hjort Sørensen. We warmed to her after another memorable quote (there were a lot in this episode) in response to discontent about their ancestors refusing to join the Night's Watch: 'So would mine, but fuck 'em. They're dead.' It didn't work though, it seems both the Nights Watch and the Wildlings can't get over history and out of the 100 000 Wildlings at Hardhome only 5000 of them opted to go with Jon back to the Wall. Henceforth these Wildlings shall be known as 'the intelligent ones' because Jon's argument that they're moments away from being brutally massacred by the White Walkers was proven to be true almost immediately after he arrived. Jon should have really just shouted 'I TOLD YOU SO!' although I guess he had a lot on his hands the moment everything went to hell. Speaking of hell...

The stuff epic is made of.

- Again the trailer spoiled us by suggesting that some sort of fight was happening here (wildings vs wildings anyone?) but HOLY SH*T we were not prepared for this! I don't think anybody expected an attack of this scale so soon before the normally pants wettingly good ninth episode but sh*t hit the fan in spectacular fashion over the course of twenty minutes. Previously big battles were given an entire blockbuster sized penultimate episode for showcasing these big events, 'Hardhome' managed to top all of them in less than half that runtime. 

- OMG so the White Walkers showed up in force with a horrendously massive army of the dead and completely massacred the Wildlings in another one of those 'Wait, I'm watching a T.V show now?' battles that no other show on TV can match. The danger of showing more of the White Walkers is that they become less of a threat or diminish their scare factor, but nope they've arguably never been more terrifying! Aside from their unkillable status (Valarian steel and Dragonglass aside) they have easily the worst kind of zombie you can have: fast, in several different stages of composition (ups the creep factor), controlled by a sentient force, can't be killed by taking out the brain and can USE WEAPONS. Yeah, Westeros is f*cked. 

- To summarize we had: a terrifyingly suspenseful snowstorm that wiped out most of the Wildlings outside, a Night Of The Living Dead crossed with World War Z mass attack on Hardhome's defenses, a giant taking on a horde of zombies, Jon fighting one on one with a White Walker, kid zombies and they ended with thousands of the dead being reanimated by the Night's King (that's supposedly his name) which perfectly matched Jon's best 'WE ARE SO F*CKED' face. For a season that's been lacking on a few big moments we've come to expect from this show (admittedly season 4 spoiled us) but they sure gave us one hell of a show that firmly placed the White Walker threat to the front of our minds. The Walkers have been in the background since the very first scene of the show and to finally get a glimpse at what the endgame will be like is thrilling: an all out post apocalyptic war movie with a threat that is truly terrifying. Korsi basically summarized our thoughts the moment she saw those creepy-as-f*ck zombie children and gave up: there is just no stopping this. And that final scene when the Night's King raised his arms in a very 'COME AT ME BRO!' kind of way (that was one smug grin) and reanimated everyone that was butchered? Chills man, chills. For a second I thought he was going to freeze the water but if they can do that then the show should really end next season because they're clearly on the warpath now and if water can't stop them then they'll be attacking Kings Landing in no time! 

That's terrifying. And gorgeous.

- My only issue with this is that by reintroducing the Walkers in such a big way it's hard to not see some of shows upcoming big confrontations (Stannis vs Boltons, Danaerys taking Kings Landing...) as petty disputes when an apocalyptic threat is looming on the horizon. In comparison to the White Walkers EVERYTHING seems mundane. The show can't back down now, by showing this battle they've started the endgame, which implies they're heading for the Wall real soon. 

For a season that has felt like it's been 90% set-up they pulled out all of the stops for this episode. The battle at Hardhome alone is worthy enough to rank high on my list of favourite episodes, but with Tyrion and Danearys now in cohoots? This is easily one the best if not THE best episodes of the show, combining a gigantic action sequence with several talky scenes that are equally epic. How the hell is episode 9 going to top this? GOT Ranking: 10/10