Game Of Thrones: Hardhome

'Hardhome' feels like the first episode of the season where sh*t starts hitting the fan in a big way, and it's also one of the best Game Of Thrones episodes ever because a) Tyrion and Dany (the two biggest characters on the show) are finally talking to one another and b) F*CKING HELL THAT ENDING WAS EPIC! 

- As much as I loved Arya's segment in 'Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken' her arc of becoming an assassin to enact vengeance upon her enemies is taking to long to come to fruition. This is partly because her scenes have been spread out and the snippets we get of her while great in their own self contained way have done little to get the ball rolling. Her inclusion in this episode was jarring considering she was wedged between two epic events, seeing her do reconnaissance on her first mission to kill an evil insurance dealer felt oddly tame compared to Danaerys and Tyrion sitting in a room discussing the order of things. I'm guessing she'll find and kill Meryn Trant before the end of the season (two episodes left!) but otherwise it's occurred to me that Arya's entire arc this season should be reduced to a training montage, a narrative shorthand for skipping the boring bits. Like Brienne we're waiting on her to do something important that will effect a major player on the show, and they keep dragging it out. 

- Is anyone else afraid Olly is going to do something horrific? They're giving a lot of screen time to a minor character at Castle Black... 

- Underwhelming circumstances of their meeting aside I think we can all agree that the show perfectly executed Tyrion and Dany's introduction this week. 'Into your service? Your grace we have only just met, it's to early to know if you deserve my service.' Everything that came out of Tyrion's mouth this episode was comedy gold, dripping with the sarcasm, wit and brutal honesty that incorporates everything we love about his character. Playing hard to get when you're faced with the queen who single handedly conquered Essos was surprisingly effective, although Jorah was on the receiving end of the brutal honesty part. Everything Tyrion said rang painfully true, Jorah IS devoted to Dany to the point of insanity, and he's willing to withhold the truth from her at every turn (notice he didn't mention his greyscale) to ensure he's at her side. Someone like that is dangerous to have around so exiling him again makes sense even if it pains both Dany and the audience. Sorry Jorah, you shouldn't have lied.

OMG THIS IS FINALLY HAPPENING!

- Following his second exile Jorah immediately goes back to the slave trader that forced him into the fighting pit during 'The Gift'. He willingly signs himself up for the big gladiatorial fight in Daznak's Pit, presumably because he's got nowhere else to go and just wants to get as many shots in front of Danaerys as possible before he succumbs to his grayscale. Yes that's right, Jorah is willing to enter into the most deadly fighting competition in Westeros just so he can see Dany one more time! Judging from a few trailer shots this looks to be quite an epic sequence in the next episode so I'm predicting next week will be Jorah's last stand (it's episode 9, someone has got to die). RIP Jorah, Lord Friendzone.

- 'Two terrible children from two terrible fathers.' Now that the introductions are over with Tyrion and Dany spend some crucial bonding time together. Granted they're still testing the waters, but they share crazy dads and noble intentions. They both want to change the world for the better ('breaking the wheel' sounds exciting) but have lacked the power or experience to do so. Ser Barristan's death left the door open to Tyrion, and with him as Dany's chief adviser I see great things ahead. Also: Tywin was adviser to the Mad King, now his child advises the Mad King's child! Talk about full circle. Also I think we should thank Varys for convincing Tyrion into doing this team-up, he might not be a scheming bastard like Littlefinger (from what we've seen at least) but he got one thing right: these two are perfect for each other. 

- Cersei got a visit from frankenstein doctor Pycelle this week, and things aren't looking good for her. According to Pycelle's handy info dump her trial will begin soon (what about the Tyrells?) for the crimes of fornication, treason and incest, all of which Cersei hilariously dismisses as 'lies'. Drop the act Cersei, nobody believes your bullsh*t. Tywin's brother Kevan is also back in Kings Landing and has been named Hand of the King. Based on what we've seen from uncle Kevan he's no fool and in charge of the Lannister army, so we might be seeing a lot more of him in the future. As for Tommen he's resorted to hiding in his bedroom and starving himself, the equivalent of a child throwing a tantrum I guess. So all in all, Cersei is still f*cked and we might actually have a decent figure head in charge of the Lannisters....good news! We also get an update on Pycelle's pet project: 'The work continues.' *SHUDDERS*

Things just got real.

- Things are heating up in the North as the Battle of Winterfell looms. It seems the Bolton's now have the upper hand so long as Ramsay doesn't get to brash with his plan to attack head on. Roose once again calls Ramsay out for being tactically stupid and impatient, instead opting to hold back behind the walls and wait it out. Ramsay suddenly has an idea to send a secret force of '20 good men' to go and do...something to Stannis' army? Okay, let's hope this isn't the showrunner's idea to cheat out of a good battle by having Ramsay insta-kill Stannis the day before the battle! Although since Stannis did the same thing to his brother back in season 2 maybe this is somehow appropriate, it definitely saves on budget.

- The entire second half of the episode is entirely devoted to Jon's mission to rescue the Wildlings from the upcoming winter. Judging from several impressive CGI aerial views Hardhome is where most of the remaining Wildlings are encamped after their defeat at the Wall. For this segment another awesome team-up was on the cards: Jon Snow and Tormund Bear F*cker, their relationship was rather aptly summarized with this quote: 'He's prettier than both my daughters, but he knows how to fight. He's young, but he knows how to lead. He came because he needs us, and we need him.' Well said Tormund, well said. 

- Before everything went to hell it seems Jon's efforts to save the Wildlings were rather unsuccessful. Negotiations didn't start off well when Tormund promptly smashed the sh*t out of the Lord of Bones (he was in season 2) and one of the Wildling leaders was a cannibalistic Thenn. Thankfully the show somehow managed to introduce and make us like/care for a completely new character in the span of ten minutes, Karsi played by Birgitte Hjort Sørensen. We warmed to her after another memorable quote (there were a lot in this episode) in response to discontent about their ancestors refusing to join the Night's Watch: 'So would mine, but fuck 'em. They're dead.' It didn't work though, it seems both the Nights Watch and the Wildlings can't get over history and out of the 100 000 Wildlings at Hardhome only 5000 of them opted to go with Jon back to the Wall. Henceforth these Wildlings shall be known as 'the intelligent ones' because Jon's argument that they're moments away from being brutally massacred by the White Walkers was proven to be true almost immediately after he arrived. Jon should have really just shouted 'I TOLD YOU SO!' although I guess he had a lot on his hands the moment everything went to hell. Speaking of hell...

The stuff epic is made of.

- Again the trailer spoiled us by suggesting that some sort of fight was happening here (wildings vs wildings anyone?) but HOLY SH*T we were not prepared for this! I don't think anybody expected an attack of this scale so soon before the normally pants wettingly good ninth episode but sh*t hit the fan in spectacular fashion over the course of twenty minutes. Previously big battles were given an entire blockbuster sized penultimate episode for showcasing these big events, 'Hardhome' managed to top all of them in less than half that runtime. 

- OMG so the White Walkers showed up in force with a horrendously massive army of the dead and completely massacred the Wildlings in another one of those 'Wait, I'm watching a T.V show now?' battles that no other show on TV can match. The danger of showing more of the White Walkers is that they become less of a threat or diminish their scare factor, but nope they've arguably never been more terrifying! Aside from their unkillable status (Valarian steel and Dragonglass aside) they have easily the worst kind of zombie you can have: fast, in several different stages of composition (ups the creep factor), controlled by a sentient force, can't be killed by taking out the brain and can USE WEAPONS. Yeah, Westeros is f*cked. 

- To summarize we had: a terrifyingly suspenseful snowstorm that wiped out most of the Wildlings outside, a Night Of The Living Dead crossed with World War Z mass attack on Hardhome's defenses, a giant taking on a horde of zombies, Jon fighting one on one with a White Walker, kid zombies and they ended with thousands of the dead being reanimated by the Night's King (that's supposedly his name) which perfectly matched Jon's best 'WE ARE SO F*CKED' face. For a season that's been lacking on a few big moments we've come to expect from this show (admittedly season 4 spoiled us) but they sure gave us one hell of a show that firmly placed the White Walker threat to the front of our minds. The Walkers have been in the background since the very first scene of the show and to finally get a glimpse at what the endgame will be like is thrilling: an all out post apocalyptic war movie with a threat that is truly terrifying. Korsi basically summarized our thoughts the moment she saw those creepy-as-f*ck zombie children and gave up: there is just no stopping this. And that final scene when the Night's King raised his arms in a very 'COME AT ME BRO!' kind of way (that was one smug grin) and reanimated everyone that was butchered? Chills man, chills. For a second I thought he was going to freeze the water but if they can do that then the show should really end next season because they're clearly on the warpath now and if water can't stop them then they'll be attacking Kings Landing in no time! 

That's terrifying. And gorgeous.

- My only issue with this is that by reintroducing the Walkers in such a big way it's hard to not see some of shows upcoming big confrontations (Stannis vs Boltons, Danaerys taking Kings Landing...) as petty disputes when an apocalyptic threat is looming on the horizon. In comparison to the White Walkers EVERYTHING seems mundane. The show can't back down now, by showing this battle they've started the endgame, which implies they're heading for the Wall real soon. 

For a season that has felt like it's been 90% set-up they pulled out all of the stops for this episode. The battle at Hardhome alone is worthy enough to rank high on my list of favourite episodes, but with Tyrion and Danearys now in cohoots? This is easily one the best if not THE best episodes of the show, combining a gigantic action sequence with several talky scenes that are equally epic. How the hell is episode 9 going to top this? GOT Ranking: 10/10